Past, Present, and Future Dreams

Yesterday I had the fascinating experience of opening up my old "All About Me" - Dr Seuss fill in the blank book from when I was six. Other than learning about how many hairs I believed I had on my head (eleven) and the farthest I had ever walked (about 60 miles - ha), I saw that I had filled in writer and farmer as my dreamed of future occupations. This surprised me as I had thought those were new dreams. I didn't remember them being childhood fantasies. Recently I have been marinating in Dorothy Sayers mysteries and my genius at guessing the ending of these twisty thrillers 9 times out of 10 has lent to my husband (always looking for some exciting career for me to pursue) trying to push me into writing detective novels, which unfortunately I am not at all interested in. But, I am in fact quite interested in SOMEDAY, not now, pursuing writing in some format. But, this specific piece of writing will need to come to an end now since my lil rascal who I have thought was asleep for the past hour just walked out of his room without a hint of bed head. Bummer

Family or Rend and Repair

The family provides a place of deep comfort and healing in this fractured world. Confucius has a quote that paraphrased says that if we want to have a healthy country we must first have healthy families, and to have healthy families we must first be healthy ourselves. But how difficult this can be! Our families once disordered, no matter how much love they include, can often be such a deeply destructive force in our psyches that we have to climb huge mountains to be healthy ourselves. If we don't find healing we then bring that brokenness into the next generations of our families and continue this pattern of pain.

There is such pain in this world, such deep, deep pain, whether we look in war torn tribal areas, or peek behind white picket fences in the quiet suburbs.

I know. I know that Christ brings the redemption not only of the world in mass, but for each of us in particular. But, how does He choose to package that renewal? It obviously doesn't seem to come in one installment. Wham bam, I'm all better mam. Nope. That's not how I've seen it. How does He deliver His monthly installments of grace? Where are the streams in which the balms of Gilead flow, because I have a whole lot of people I want to send to them. I know that we are the Bride who stands with the Spirit and sings, Come, Come, Come to the living waters. But how is one to bathe in a stream that is so polluted by the Bride? I know we are God's hands but so often in our brokenness, despite our best intentions, our hands hold switchblades and we further rip rather than repair.


Thankfully, although Christ left us here to be His bodily representation after His ascension, He can still transcend our stumbling attempts to love. He can even fill our love so that it really does provide healing despite ourselves.

Considering my background I tend to mull over these questions quite a bit. I grew up a pastor's daughter who has seen my fair share of ugliness within the Church. I also got my undergrad degree in Christian Formation and Ministry. So, I ask these questions. I know that especially those in "high church" see the healing as coming mystically through the sacraments, and I believe this can be true. I know those in pentecostal churches think that you just need to pray or perhaps even pray in tongues to be given that healing, and I again believe that that can be true. But I have seen deeply committed Catholics and Protestants who wrestle with their wounds despite these measures.
I am not satisfied yet in my knowledge about how to be a conduit of God's love that will mend people's brokenness. But, considering the pain that I see multiplying and being passed down through this lack of healing, I am motivated to learn and grow in my ability to be a Peacemaker on earth. Whether it is from my living room or a literal battlefield I want to Live bringing life to those I touch.

Cut off and isolated - (its not as serious as it sounds)

To all who follow my blog - thank you - and I have confession to make. We moved into our apartment sad about our lack of internet access (we had chipped in and shared a wireless connection with friends at our previous place.) And then opened our MacBook and voila, discovered that we picked up at least five signals from apartments and offices around us. So... we used it. We decided that if people left them un-password protected we wouldn't feel guilty about using their connections. We didn't download large files, or live online, we rationalized. Right or wrong we did it. And now judgment day has come, well, sort of. As of Saturday passwords have been erected all around and we are cut off from the cyber world. Oh well, I will now have less temptation to battle about how I use my time. And, we do have a library with wireless access just half a mile down the street so I can tap in every other day or so. But, I guess the point of sharing all of this is that my habit of posting almost daily will have to be adjusted accordingly. No, no, don't weep. And to all those closet readers out there... COMMENT!! I found out this weekend that two of my old friends (you know who you are) joined CSAs after my postings on the subject. Until then I had no idea that they had ever read a single post! I want to know if you read. I want to interact with you, and grow alongside you. Perhaps next time I wander down to the library I'll post a link over to a great blog post about the value of commenting. Thanks again for stopping by!

Soil for the Soul

“When despair for the world grows in me, and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be -- I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought or grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.”
- Wendell Berry

Today I am looking out my window into bright greens and blues, procrastinating on a CT project I'm working on, and dreaming about our CSA which will start sending goodies soon. What is a CSA? Perhaps all those who would be reading a blog are savvy enough to know that CSA stands for Community Supported Agriculture, but perhaps not. I only learned about it a few years ago. Twenty minutes south of us there is a small holdout organic farm that is sustained by early spring member donations. Each year those who choose to join pay out a lump sum at the beginning of the growing season to provide capitol for the farmers. As soon as plants are ready to harvest we start lining up weekly to reap our bounty.
This ties us into the land and agricultural community in a small and yet powerful way. We make the sacrifice financially with the growers and thus we share the risk with them. If its an amazing season our fridges and freezers and pantries will overflow with the goodness of fresh, locally grown, organic, veggies. If its a bad season for our crops we take the hit along with the farmer. Ben and I found ourselves actually praying for rain for the first time last summer (yes, there were a few Christian rain dances included). It felt so wholesome, from our suburban, apartmented, vantage point, to have a place where our nails could get black with beautiful, rich soil. I know, for those of you out there who actually live on farms this might seem rather pathetic and synthetic, but for those of us who can't for whatever reason right now, this is salvation! Saturdays we drive down and pull weeds with abandon, and chase our lil rascal through the rows of our meals to be; eggplant, zucchini, kohlrabi (no we didn't know what this was either until we joined up!).
And then we return home grateful, souls refreshed, ready for another week bricked into our home, with no soil but that in our potted plants to call our own.

Gratitude Monday week 4: on Wednesday

Sorry for the belated Gratitude day - my whole life has been a bit belated recently - if that makes any sense :)


1. I am so grateful for my husband who never lets me settle into complacent, mediocre living. He challenges me to keep my mind sharp, to live in a manner consistent with my expressed beliefs, and to be excellent in the spheres of life in which I flutter. He is such a wonderful man to walk side by side with through life. (Yes - sometimes I do have to remind myself that its wonderful to be constantly called farther up and further in!)
2-5. I again am grateful for my families proximity, generosity, and helpfulness. This week has been a bad week for cars in our family. An inopportunely bad week. It all started on Monday when I loaded up the car for errands, turned the key, and... Bilbo (our forest green Volvo) wouldn't start. The radio etc worked so I knew it wasn't the battery. From the back I had a concerned little voice pleading "Go, go, gooooo?!" And I had to tell him that our car was "broke". "Boke? Boke?? It boke...no..." So, I called my mom and cancelled our plans, and she
sent out my dad to try to jump us just in case. So within a few hours my dad came and tried to jump us to no avail. My parents are amazing.
Ben had a business party in the city that I had been planing to drive to that my sweet mama babysat during (4:30-11:30 yikes!) (For those who went to high school with me, it was on the Odyssey. Remember our after Jr/Sr "cruise ship?") So instead I hopped on a train and everything worked out ok. Yesterday they let us borrow a car, and it worked fine all day until I made the unwise decision of running over to check out the house my grandparents were emptying (they run estate sales and sometimes let us treasure hunt) less than 1 1/2 hours before I was supposed to hop on the train for the second night of festivities, this time at the ESPN zone, that my mama was again babysitting during. Right as I turned onto the street where the house was located I heard an awful metallic grating noise. I pulled over, looked under the car, and sure enough, some misc. car part had partially dislodged and was dragging on the ground. "Great! Now I've broken their car too!" So, I called my mom and she came and picked me up in her car, so I could get home in time to freshen up and go downtown. We lingered and talked a bit when all of a sudden my husband called me in a panic bc he had arranged for his wonderful brother to use his AAA to tow our car for free, but I was gone with both sets of keys! "Where was I? Why did I have both sets of keys? Did I think I had time to go to the mechanic with his brother?" By now it was 4 and I had to catch the 4:57 into the city. My wonderful husband had been coordinating things with his brother from afar, and had failed to let me in on the details. So, things were a bit crazy. But, with the help of all of my family, our car got to the shop free of charge, my parents car was fixed sans my help, I was whisked home and prepped in time for my second evening out getting to know Ben's new coworkers, my son was fed and loved, and through all that I came home with bags and bags of beautiful linen tunics, tribal jewelry and rugs, art books, vegetarian cookbooks, vintage toys for lil rascal, a gorgeous sheet set, stationary, Aveda beauty products, perfumes, etc etc etc.
6-9. And the night at the ESPN zone was a blast. We don't make enough of an effort to get out alone together. Since Ben didn't have any clients at the event it was "revert to little kid - fun time." Ben called it "guy heaven" but I thought it was more like a deluxe Chucky Cheese! We walked up the stairs and waitresses were holding trays full of icy drinks. To our left was a long table set up with chefs who would make you burgers to order on the spot and to our right was a room full of lazy boys, 20 television screens, and tables and tables full of more food. (They even had great veggie options -yea!!) Once we had eaten to the point of bursting (mmmmm.... I can still taste the pound cake topped with fresh whipped cream and berries!) we took our unlimited play cards and ran into the game room and skied, kayaked, bmx raced, rode motorcycles and race cars and motor boats, played basketball and had tons and tons of fun just being stupid together. This night also reaffirmed something that I love about his job - a lot of people brought their whole families. It was adorable to watch guys wave running with their pig tailed 10 year olds! I really appreciate the family friendly attitude in his company - at least three of the lead guys have five or more kids - thats not common anywhere anymore, let alone in the world of finance,
The beautiful finale to our evening was a raincoat-less, umbrella-less, run from the train station to our apartment late at night, in the midst of pounding rain. I love being in the middle of rainstorms at night - it makes me feel alive.
10. Today I am just grateful simply for a day OFF. Other than grocery shopping and cleaning house, I have NOTHING on my agenda, so I get to crash for awhile, while my poor husband is plugging away at another day of work. (Although I found out last night that their lunches have been at the Ritz all week bc of their conference, so I don't feel too bad for him!) Plus, tonight my beloved brother comes home from college for a week (although my sweet brother in law leaves tomorrow), and we already have plans to hit the free iced coffee promotional at Dunkin Donuts. PS Did you know that they often give out free munchkins if you bring your kids?

Wow this post is different than most of mine - HA! The ESPN Zone, the Ritz, Dunkin Donuts...
Forgive me, every life needs a bit of variety!

The Wellspring of LIFE

"The condition of most men and women seems to me a life in death, an abode in unwhited sepulchres, a possession of withering forms by spirits that slumber, and babble in their dreams.
There is nothing for man worthy to be called life, but the life eternal--God's life, that is, after his degree shared by the man made to be eternal also. For he is in the image of God, intended to partake of the life of the most high, to be alive as He is alive. Of this life the outcome and the light is righteousness, love, grace, truth; but the life itself is a thing that will not be defined: it is a power; the formless cause of form. It has no limits whereby to be defined. It shows itself to the soul that is hungering and thirsting after righteousness, but that soul cannot show it to another, save in the shining of it own light." George MacDonald


Two questions have been swirling through my head for the past few weeks.
The first: What is the best path to goodness? Is it through intentionally choosing to treat others well and hoping that our outward righteousness will seep into and change the pattern of our souls, or through basking in the presence of our Lord and our Healer so that eventually our hearts are so likened to His that we naturally live well and are full of Life?
Though we must always seek obedience, I recognize often the dangers of forcing myself to act righteously when its not in accordance with the attitude of my heart. I risk deep pride issues and hypocrisy. I become pleased with myself that I seek to care for people as Christ taught or that I try to be a good steward of our finances or our ecosystems; but then when I really search my heart I realize that I am not yet good. I am merely acting as if I was good. Neighbors will go home and I will find myself at least inwardly complaining about the waring nature of their visits, or as I spoke of last time, I will find a deal at a thrift store and buy it rationalizing that the money will go to a good cause, its recycling, its creative treasure hunting, whatever, while when I get down to the truth of the event, its just gratuitous, consumptive behavior, needing to buy and own, in order to be happy.

The second: Did God intend for us to live ascetically, set apart like the Desert Fathers, spending all of our energy and time on purifying our souls and coming into right relationship with God in that manner, or does He want us to live our lives deeply rooted in His creation, earthily, getting dirty, making mistakes, but LIVING, and learning in that way to live in harmony with Him and His creation?
As my husband and I have talked about this recently I think that I have worked out a bit of an answer. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. You can be a mystic, constantly drinking from the wellsprings of God's Life, eyes focused on Him, while still having your toes digging into the soil, your arms around your loved ones, your body dancing. You do not have to separate yourself from the world to avoid being "of it." He says to be "in", not "of". This though does not mean that we shouldn't take seriously the need to have our souls refreshed and centered on our life purpose through spending serious time intentionally focused solely on His love, filling our minds with His words. If we truly hunger and thirst for righteousness we must come to the table and eat. I much, much, too often am slack in this area thinking that I can just live with my hands and feet according to His will and maintain my hearts alignment with it also. I have found this to be untrue. I guess this answers my first question also. When I don't renew my soul and its life at the fount of Life, my attempts at good deeds and good living fall hollow. I serve my husband and son, but my soul is grudging and resentful. I feed my neighbors and invite them into my house, but I only have food to share with them, not love or compassion.

For Mother's Day, my husband gave me Madeleine L'Engle's new novel, The Joys of Love. (It was on its way to publication prior to her death and was written in the late 70's. ) In it a character struggles with coming of age as so many of L'Engle's heroines do, but she particularly focuses on learning to have a truly gracious heart.

"Aunt Harriet took me because it was her Christian duty, not because she wanted me. Please, Jane, if you ever see me doing something because it is my Christian duty, stop me."
"You aren't apt to," Jane said, "You're too good a Christian."

I hope that eventually I will come to a place where His life flows out of me so that I live like Him due to the overflow of His love in my heart, and that I too can avoid doing things merely out of "Christian Duty."

Update: the Battle has been won - now on to my battle against the Deal Demon

As I sit in my living room, breathing in the clean, wet smell of drying clothes hung everywhere around me, I am celebrating. Why? Because the battle has been won...

Score: netti pot 1 - sinus infection 0.

Thank you so much to everyone who gave me advice about this. I plan to buy golden seal as soon as possible and have thrown out a lot of not so subtle pleas for my husband to get me some Lavendar and Tea Tree Oil essential oils soon. It is so nice to be able to breathe and smell again, and I am quite proud of myself for not succumbing to antibiotics. (Sorry Emily for suggesting that you needed to last month. I didn't know it was possible without them!)

Through my recent expedition into the world of natural medicine I have learned more and more about my body. It is interesting. Yesterday I felt 100% better, today I'm having a 10% relapse and I know its bc I skipped a day of sinus irrigation and have been sneaking sugar! Oh the delicious evil stuff. I used to think its only danger was for my waist line, now I know its dangerous to my health! My friend Annie just recently wrote a whole post dedicated to sugar the "miracle drug" I think, that cures all grumpy, new mom, ills. I say beware - I've been there- don't become a strung out sugar junkie. (JK - sort of).

While I am on this subject that makes me feel like a decrepit old woman discussing my aches and pains I suppose that I will continue, for the sake of potential advice gained, and tell you that I think I have mild Psoriasis on my knees. My mom has a mild case, and I know its genetic. Oh how terribly itchy and unsightly!! But its receding through my home remedy of apple cider vinegar (dabbed on) and also the occasional baking soda and water paste. I've been almost itch free for 2 days, and the swelling and inflammation are nearly gone, so perhaps my home remedies are working! I just thought that I would share this as you guys had so many wonderful ideas for me last time. Any takers? Advanced cases I've looked at online are sobering, thus, I am trying to pay attention and take it seriously.

PS Another "Works for Me" that I accidentally left off of my last list. I realized a few months ago that my son was wearing holes in his clothes that are my favorites while perfectly good but less exciting options were decaying in the back corners of his closet. Therefore I have devised a new system that, yes, "works for me." As soon as I wash and dry lil rascal's clothes I sort them into outfits on hangers (saves time and space) and put them in at the left side of his closet. Every morning I then simply grab an outfit from the right side, and voila, he is clothed. (I'll make exceptions for special occasions or weather purposes, but otherwise I stick with the system!~)This way his clothes are rotated so none of them feel left out and none of them get overly worn out.
PPS For those of you who know me, I am following more and more in my grandmother's footsteps. Which means, I love thrift store shopping. Its becoming my vice, (that and cookies) so I need to put the kibosh on it. But, I have had a few excellent scores in the past two days, that I have to share -
2 new looking kenneth cole oxford shirts for my husband for 50c each. He's new in the business world for those of you new to my blog, so we're beefing up his work wear options.
1 vintage Neiman Marcus drop waist, v neck and backed, cobalt blue with white trim, sun dress. Also 50c. (As soon as it's over 70 degrees out, I dress almost purely in skirts and dresses. I'm AWKWARD in shorts and tanktops!)
1 retro gap sweater for 50c.
1 apron with wonderful pockets made from traditional Swedish printed fabric for 2.25
1 silk, blue and green batiked, knee length skirt brand new from Neiman Marcus for $5 (this was my splurge, but with all the pleats and gathers I'm sure the fabric alone would have been worth 5 times that, and its one of the most beautiful skirts I've ever seen.)
and finally
1 needed navy blue puma bucket hat for lil guy. (He's a strawberry blond uber fair one who I keep in necessary layers of sunscreen, rash guards (stretchy beach surf shirt), and big hats all summer.) $2
1 pair of blue and yellow Quiksilver board shorts for 1.99 for my lil dude. Now he can be a rock star surfer at the lake this summer.

but that did all add up - over $13 I think, so I'm swearing off those little dens of iniquity - I mean thrift stores - until some real needs come up in my home.


All right, that's all till next time! I look forward to hearing your advice for my aches and pains.